Monday, April 6, 2015

I'm a Fake Martyr

 I am reading a series in science fiction and I am on "book" 72. Actually, it more like booklet, and it's on amazon, but if I don't read every day, thanks to my Brain Injury, I rapidly forget how to read, or, as I am told, lose the focus to read. So every day I read. This morning, at 4am, I read a line in the Swarm: Star Force Series #1 "The truth doesn’t mind verification. Only lies want you blind to other possibilities.”

That line kept me up the rest of the morning, because it combined with another line that I heard in the Joan of Arcadia - The First Season series.  This one I can not quote, as my memory is not that good, but it was spawned when Joan was talking to God about a situation in her life where she had been studying Joan of Arc. She was studying Joan of Arc with A+ focus because God had told her to apply herself to her history class like never before.  In the process, she became convinced that it was Joan of Arc that was the point of the exercise, and found her self in a situation where she was accused of cheating.  She had not cheated, and the school gave her the option of taking the test again, with them watching, to determine if she had cheated.  She refused, and a protest within the school was born defending the unfairness of the school accusing her without proof.  She decided that this was her chance to stand up, as a martyr, as Joan of Arc did, and get expelled for the "right cause."  God told her to stop.  He said that being the martyr is seldom the easy path, as refusing to take the test was the easy path.  She could be a Godly martyr if she bent her will, her sense of indignation, and bowed to authority, and took the test.  God told her that humans get the martyr thing wrong all the time.

Speaking of myself, looking back at my life, and the difficultly my TBI has caused, and the friends I have lost, even the ability to teach Sunday School because I stood up for the right of something that they did not agree with; all these things were not about God, but about me, it turns out.  I had twisted my view of the world to defend myself, the whole time thinking I was being the Godly martyr.  It actually hurt me to see this side of myself.  Was I right in my view of scripture that caused my church to freak out.  Probably.  Pretty sure I was more right they they were.  However, that was the easy way.  The hard way would have been for me to swallow my pride, and just skirt the issue all-together.  But no, I had to take a righteous stand for God's sake.  Like he needs me to defend him.  Anyway, this one episode of Joan of Arcadia opened up my eyes to the possibility that I was being a dink.

Then, unbidden by me, I remembered something my wife had said that really "pissed me off."  She had said, "It's always about you."  "No Freaking Way," I yelled, "It's about what's right.  I don't need to hear this anymore."

So, at 4am, right after my wife's cat jumped on my face, making sure I was awake, I read "The truth doesn’t mind verification. Only lies want you blind to other possibilities.”in the Swarm: Star Force Series #1;series,, book 72 I think.

Boom.  Head ache.  One of my pet peeves for Christians and non-Christians alike, is refusing to have their views challenged, as if God needs us to have a stiff back about interpretation issues in the bible. As if God is not powerful enough to exact his own vengeance, if necessary. Had I been guilty of the same thing.  Was it about me, and I was afraid to verify what I thought and said?

So I ran though my head the things that really upset me.

All that I can remember.

It took hours.

I'm really that messed up.


I was being a fake martyr.  My wife was right.  Worse, I was afraid of the truth.

Sometimes, God speaks to us in the strangest ways.

Sometimes I am wrong.

Today is the first day of me being a citizen of the Kingdom, but one who recognizes that God loves EVERYONE, even fake martyrs like me.



By the way, I recommend both the DVD set and the books, especially if you like Sci-Fi.

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