Thursday, October 4, 2012

Then the Light Came On

Used by Permission:
Yesterday I woke up late, as we always do on Wednesday mornings.  As in now my habit, after 55 years of life, I start the day on my knees, speaking with my creator.  This habit started with evenings only, about 6 months ago.

Don't misunderstand me.  I have prayed for years, but it was never a habit, repeated no matter what.  I did it when I remembered, and when I was in need.  I had to create a system to follow, because if I had no system, I would forget, due to being human compounded by my brain injury.  If you would like to read more about how TBI can mess with your life and faith, then read Dark Well of Despair - Light of Hope. The systems always failed, when I was tired or when the crisis passed.  New ones took the old ones place when my guilt for living life and crisis combined to get me back on my knees.

Anyway, on Wednesday, I was praying in the morning before my day started.  In the last few weeks I had finally overcome my shame or fear at being discovered praying by my wife, as if she did not pray or that praying was a sign of weakness.  It is a sign of weakness by the way.  When comparing oneself to God, one either admits one is weak, or one takes on the robes and attitude of Satan, and thinks they are God.  I am no longer thinking I am God, and happy to admit that my strength, physical, mental and philosophical are all from the hand and word of God.  (I am now actively working on building my body as I have not been able to do for decades, only because I now admit that this is all by the hand of God.  To read about that Journey, read Resistance Band Workout Weekly Log - Week 1.)

What was I praying about?  Peace.  I want peace.  Because of my injury, everything takes on mammoth proportions, paranoid feelings overcome me, and everything adds up to bad. So the last week seemed really bad to me.  Migraine headaches, people yelling all the time and the world coming to the end.

I gave up. For the first time in my life, I gave up, right there on my knees.  I gave up totally, and my prayer changed.  It used to be about. "Dear God, this is what I want to happen, but whatever you want will be ok."  Yesterday it became, guide me through today.  Keep me from bad decisions. I forgive ....... and ....... and ..... for whatever I think happened, and I beg you to forgive me too.  Bring me to where you want me to be..

That was it.  And peace showed up.  Bang.  Peace showed up right then.

Then the Light Came On.

I am climbing toward the light, and I will never forget who the light is, or where the ladder came from.  God Rocks.

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